Wistful Thinking

This feeling so wrong
I think I knew it all along
I just wanted to belong
But then I heard it: "So long".
And now, world at my feet
Nevermind a light sense of defeat
I can't help but wonder abit
A little wistful yes, but what got me beat?
My heart's full, and I'm content
There is no need to smile and pretend
I'm just wondering, if this light bends
Would we have chosen these same paths again?

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2010

Love,
Lin

Disclaimer: Picture taken from [here}. Picture titled Wistful 2 by Gerard O'Grady

Resigned-but not quite

This is me disconnecting
This is me detaching
This is me walking in the rain
This is me dulling the pain.
You'll see me today. No.
You'll see me tomorrow.
Don't count on it, though
I won't show any sorrow.
I'm lying through these smiles
My head is far, miles and miles
My heart is hoping all the while
For these ends to reconcile.
Is this where I end the show?
See me leave and turn to go
Don't wanna wait for the jeers to sound
Or it that your call, calling me around? 
This is me hardhitting
This is me contemplating
This is me at the end of the rope
But tell me, is there still hope?

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Firelight II

Firelight, Firelight
In this car burning bright
We saw a shooting star that night
Trail ablazing, then out of sight
So beautiful and I touched your hand, light
Oh, I wish I may I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight.
Firelight, Firelight
With you, everything is alright
There is nothing to give me fright
Nor is there the want to take flight
You make me burn, oh you set me alight
With you, there is nothing left to fight
So one day, Sayang, let's do this right.


(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009


My Asdil and I saw a shooting star on last Sunday night on the way to Cyberjaya. I just happened to look up, and in a split second, we witnessed a burst of bright bluish light moving from West to East, then disappearing altogether. I've seen shooting stars before, but never as bright as this. It was so clear and seemed so close, that it was as though I could pluck it out of the sky...It was breathtaking. And while the wishing on a star is not something I practice or even something I (should) believe in, it was too magical to not get caught up in that fantasy.

Right in that moment, enjoying the late-night drive with my beloved, all I could wish for is for me and him to be together for always; because in my heart of hearts, that is all I can ever think of. There is nothing more that I could possibly want, not when I have my Everything.

I love you, Sayang.

Fighting Air

Always knew we'd be fighting air
Not really seen but always there
The soft breeze blows through my hair
But blinds my eyes, not playing fair.

Dear air, I know you're there
I know you tease me, not to despair
Living in this space we share
We both know our worlds don't tear. 

Oh air, I know you've always been there
It's no place of mine to compare
You've lived a lifetime, oh no I don't dare
I'm hardly even worse for wear.

Let's leave this at this, if you care
I'm struggling, braving against your gale affair
These clinging constrictions I have to pare
Leave me like this, I'll see how I fare. 

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Mine

For once,
Words fail me
Control loses hold
These eyes clearly see,
And warmth replaces cold.
For once,
This heart belongs
It skips beats and trips
Rises up and aloud sing songs
And rushes at the touch of his lips.
For once,
I don't dream and sigh
I'm complete even when alone
I don't try to live a lie
Because with him I'm at home.
And for once, my love
These unjust words don't flow from line to line
No reason in the rhyme, save for the happiness that you are mine. 


(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Longing

You ache too great

Too much quiver and quake
Fear not, dear, just wait
It'll come yet, not too late.

Beat slow, heart, slowly
Let not your eyes green in envy
In this game we do not race
We walk, we run, we go our pace.

Wait, love, let patience reign
Do not take heart, nor fall in disdain
For some it's closer and some in a distance
No fortune just falls in random happenstance.

Dear soul, don't weep in longing
This gap will be filled with no more wanting
Just let it be, let it run its course
All in good time, for good things aren't forced.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Written as a reminder to myself to be patient. All in good time, all in good time. 

Disclaimer: Picture credit to Backlitstranger@Deviantart.

Dear Heart

Oh be still Heart,
Be still;
You're much too fragile.
A simple glance,
His winning smile,
The touch of his hand,
And the depth of his eyes;
Makes you skip beats,
Heartstopping flips,
And flutter like a leaf.
Deep breaths, now
Deep breaths.
Catch it when you can.
But he looks at me,
Puts his arms around me;
And it begins again.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Acrostic 2 v.1

Okay, finally I got the first one finished.

This is the actual first one that I first composed in my head, and as I was in the shower yesterday :p

I sometimes wonder how you could
love the person that I am when
the voices in my head make me
feel like nothing, like the sands
of time that seep through forgotten. And yet,
your love feels like the second
skin that covers my insides, transparent
on the surface. You let yourself be
mine to wrap around myself.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Love,
N.e-Q

Acrostic 2 v.2

Yes, this is version 2. I was in the middle of version one when I got the inspiration for version 2, and decided to write it before I lose my train of thoughts. I ended up finishing the second one first.

A piece that I just decided to write one night as I was about to fall asleep.

I enjoy the blatant indiscretion, this impudent flaunting,
love the elaborate attempt to hide in the open
the secrets we both keep to ourselves to
feel as though we are in a secret world
of our own in which we consist of only
your own self and my own self, comfortable in our own
skin, in our ownselves without having to paint
on these masks of indifference. You can just be
mine, and I'll just be yours. And that is all there is.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Love,
N.e-Q

P/s: Sayang, thank you for teaching me acrostic poetry :)

Not As You Were

I've always thought that the contrast and dynamics between the characters Buffy Summers and Sam Finn, if delved deeper into, made for good character analysis. Being each others foil, with same motivations and similar experience but in different circumstances and methods, being pitted against one another (not in a fight, but character wise) would have put many a watcher (non-British ones) in quite the dilemma to choose a side.

As You Were didn't give much room to really explore the possibilities that could have unfolded with the sudden return of Agent Riley Finn aka Captain Cardboard and his wife, Sam Finn. All that could ever be told about Buffy and Sam were told in less than the 45 minutes of air time, and even then, what we only got to see was Buffy's spiraling into her own self and seeking solace from her Captain Peroxide, but nothing of Sam. Even reading Seven Crows left much to be desired; since it was pretty much a Buffy and Captain Forehead show. But then again, it's not like there was room to fully go through the variables of the given situation.

And then again, the current unfolding of Season 8's plot has much in store that might just change the scenery of what we thought before. Seeing how Riley could possibly play a bigger part than being just a corn-fed Iowa boy who hunts demons...who's to say, now? He could be an inside man on the side of good, or a cog in the wheel of evil. So who knows who Sam really is?

Nevertheless, I am more interested in the Buffy and Sam contrast as what they were when they were first presented and thought to be, and none of the new, possible revelations we would glean from the coming issues. Therefore my thoughts of the now are just as they were, Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. Sam the Demon Hunter.

Buffy and Sam, an unthinkable duo. Similar. Different. Slayer. Demon hunter. Is there a difference or a side to choose, when they are just two sides of the same coin?

Hence, here's a metaphored version of Buffy and Sam:

They see the warrior that knows no rest
I see the woman that does what she does best
And I do what I do, in the way that I can
But I can be no faster even if I ran.

A staked heart, it bursts into dust in the breeze
And as you walk away, the grains I seize
For I do what I do, and I'll take what I'll get
Because at a day's end, I haven't a regret.

A captured demon, or a demon captured

I'll stay here to mend the strings that were severed
Since I do what I do, and I seek and I find
And I take what of yours, and make it mine.

And when I think that I can't think no more
I leave all my doubts scattered at the door
Because I do what I do, and am all that I am
It doesn't matter that you're the Buffy to my Sam.

*Backstory, for those not in the know:
Buffy is a Slayer. Chosen. Called. Has the strength that is inherent. Has the instincts. The passion. Natural.
Sam is a Demon Hunter. Recruited. Trained. Assigned. Relatively inexperienced. Relatively superficial.
And she will always be second best to Buffy.
Despite their differences; they have some few things in common: Riley, and their fighting evil.

Love,
Linzy

*P/s: This entry goes as far back as November, last year. I've had the idea lingering in my mind for sometime now. I'm glad that it's finally written. Although, it might be edited at some point or other when I find the words to express myself better :)

Acrostic

I have never been one to
Love just anyone as I believe that
Only time will fulfill this
Violent need to be loved
Entirely by the 'one', as I have
Yearned for years to
Obstruct all insecurity
Underneath the scrutiny of
Many an unforgiving eye who are
Yellow in and by their ownself
And could barely comprehend
Some, if not all the various
Diversity that life offers
If one ever takes the time to
Look because it is no
Mystery; for life are choices that
You made in search for
Something to believe, something to
Abbreviate the loneliness that
Yields the soul to all that hurts; but now I
Am glad to have found you; the
Narrator to my everyday who reads me
Gallantly even through the storm.

Love,
N.e-Q

A Lament

Sadness weighs you weary
Pulls you down, where no man can carry.
Your eyes of salt and dust
Welling up, turning metal into rust.
Rubble lies around you but

No more than words from tongues that cut.

Death's shadow a steady loom
With no doors to shut to hide in rooms.
You stave off no pain
These two hands are only useless and chained.
Silence deafens, no noise to drown
Times ticks louder when you are afraid for a sound.
But even if they render you blind
You still can see clearly with your heart and mind.
What lies in you is ever true
Close your eyes, He is, and we are with you.

Abandon

Your voice a mixture

of gravel and sand

underwater

Lacerates my skin

with muffled words

whispered

Spoken carelessly

from lips come tumbling

endlessly

Trailing pathways

painted with heated

litanies*

I am caged within

these snakelike sheets

intertwined

Supplicant I lie

as you persuade me to

abandon.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2008

* A derivation from the Old Greek 'litaneia' , meaning 'entreaty'

Some rhythmic cluster of words that sprang from watching the video Aizome and some pent up emotions that's spilling from the brim. Reading an opinion on Youtube (I quote "I LOVE her voice...it's like a mix between water and wind..."), it supplied me with an odd combination of adjectives which I adopted to create the first three lines. From that few lines it substantiated into a translation of an internalized voice. I think it made for an unlikely, but satisfactory marriage of words.

Love, Linzy~

Absence

Your absence leaves

Empty spaces

That goes hollow

Makes deep echoes

Flames

You were Friday morning's embers
But January's fire.
I stoked the flames while
I set you alight on the pyre.

(I lied when I said I hated the smell of smoke in the air)

You rose from the ashes
Without the demon in your soul.
It was purged in the fires
And yet you still stay cold.

(I need to wash the smell out of my hair)

You led me from the rain
Spun me over, gone insane.
I'm much too dizzy, now
I cannot go again.

(You think I don't, but I care)

The song has stopped
The dance has ended for this night.
I'll hum the tune from time to time
And remember how everything's bright.

(I think the world's too big to bear)

~Linzy

Thunderbolts

There is no thunder
Without the preliminary
Lightning
The flash of sudden
Illumination
So brightening
When all is dark
It's an effulgence
Blinding.

Here are some words that came from nowhere or for any reason in particular. Just a crazy random happenstance of words exploding from brain. My inner monologue is a perpetual litany of words, and today they just seem to mesh into rhymes; so this is the result.

Love, Linzy~

Firelight

What language do I use when words leave me? Use my hands as pens and etch out the memory? This is what I have, this is all that can be. When I can't construct words, the words take over me.

Firelight, firelight
In this room, burning bright
Nothing else in sight
Just this blinding light;
Like a star, I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.
Sigh...
Firelight, Firelight:
Is all there is tonight...
Damned if it's wrong, damned if it's right,
Set me up in gasoline, set me alight,
I don't care, just burn me up in firelight.

Love, LinZy~

Moth to a Flame

It's burning bright. So tentalizingly bright. I'm blinded, short-sighted by the light. Nothing on my left or anything on the right. Nothing else in sight. There is just me and the burning firelight.

This dance is painfully slow. And yet the rhythm blurring fast. It's hard to keep up. It's difficult to stay with the beat. We are on this dancefloor, and I do not know which way to move my feet.

Is this the junction from which I turn? Do I go straight, or shall I just burn?

I'd love to stay and dance the night on. But the hour's 12, and I promised my return. I'd run down the steps, virtue all a-flutter. But I'd leave on your steps my lone glass slipper.

A little now, but with a promise of later. Don't worry, I have the other slipper.

Baby, I'm a moth to a flame. Tempted by the burning candlelight. I'll stay for this number, but I need to leave before midnight.

Love, LinZy~

Inspired

It has occured to me just how long it has been since I've penned down a poem or something like it. It's been quite a while. I could not possibly remember the last time I've let words flow through my mind and let it be drawn upon a canvas. That canvas, of course, nowadays being my laptop screen while my fingers tap upon the keys, patterning upon this pixelated blank page the swirl of letters that substantializes the abstraction in my head.

It's been a while now.

And whether it is this laptop that plays medium to my constant need to give voice to the otherwise silent recesses of my mind or my hand smooth-flowing in an almost possessed fervour upon the paper pages of my notebook; it surely has been a while. Relatively a while, considering how every page of any notebook of mine used to have on it at least a stanza committed to ink.

I was however intrigued to write one of my own last night. I was reading some poems my dear Ash posted up and was moved by how much emotion was captured in those brief stanzas. Even more so was the fact that they were written in Malay, my should-be mother tongue (bahasa ibunda); which I have failed to master in entirety. I found them moving, so much so that I'm moved to write my own take on his poem titled "Sepi itu yang Membingitkan" (read it here). I definitely cannot do justice to his, but I'll try my hand. Oh, and of course, it's in English.

Love, I hope you don't mind.


In the silence
it deafens so.
A vacuum that
swallows whole
everything but
the demons residing
in my head.
And they taunt
and they scream
In my solitude.

In this din,
I find in it
the solace blessed
in my notoriety,
in blending into
the background.
A wallflower.
Its blaringsurrounding me.
But it is calm
in the eye of the storm.

I exist in a crowd.
Alone, I cease to be.


© Hazlin Aminudin


Reason? Well, out of the many, silence is what I understand the most. How in all of its deception of peace, the hushness breeds more monsters than bunnies could procreate, for it allows you the peace of mind to let monsters haunt you. And being the worrier that I am, this is knowledge that I have firsthand.

So that's it. My first poem in months now, owing my inspiration to the words of my dear Ash
(don't sue me, yea? Hehe...). See you in two days, love.

Love, LinZy~

Ignition

It is a slow burn to reach boiling point.
Heat turned on low, but burning bright.
Kindling flames stoking a raging fire.
I'm cold I say, but within ablaze.

Yours, Lin~